Austin reveals the worst films he saw in 2013!!!

Hey folks.  I know it’s already well into February, but hey…. I’ve been busy.  Life happens, but that doesn’t mean I’m done watching movies.  I will be doing my top 10 list of 2013 some time this week, but before I do that, I always do my worst list.

There were some fantastic movies this year!  But, as always, there are consequences.  As a film critic, for every great movie there are usually 2 bad ones.  At least that’s my experience.  The ratio is probably different for other critics…. say like, Film Geek Central’s own Jesse Hoheisel.  That dude doesn’t like anything, does he?

But anyhoo, I would like to take this time to talk about some of last year’s stinkers.  And there were quite a bit of them.  But, before I reveal my list, I must admit to not seeing every film released this year, so this is not the most complete or accurate list.  But it’s what I’ve got.

Some of the films that I didn’t see that could potentially be on my worst list were: TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D, A HAUNTED HOUSE, MOVIE 43, IDENTITY THIEF, ESCAPE FROM PLANET EARTH, 21 & OVER, G.I. JOE RETALIATION, SCARY MOVIE 5, THE BIG WEDDING, PEEPLES, THE HEAT, SMURFS 2, PARANOIA, BATTLE OF THE YEAR, FREE BIRDS, LAST VEGAS, DELIVERY MAN, A MADEA CHRISTMAS and ANCHORMAN 2 (hated the first one).  So those won’t be on my worst list, because I didn’t see them.

There were still plenty of bad movies last year.  I’m only going to list 10, though.  But there were definitely more bad films than that. Movies like LAST DAYS ON MARS, PERCY JACKSON:SEA OF MONSTERS, R.I.P.D., THOR:THE DARK WORLD, WE’RE THE MILLERS and GETAWAY all deserve to be on that list.  However, believe it or not, there were 10 movies worse than those.

And now I present to you…… THE 10 WORST FILMS OF 2013:

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10. FRANCES HA – I have enjoyed director Noah Baumbach’s films in the past.  Loved GREENBERG and THE SQUID AND THE WHALE.  Heard great things about this movie, so I was really looking forward to it.  Not only was I disappointed, but I was shocked to find that it was embarrassingly amateurish.  It felt like a student film.  And not a very good one.  The structure is sloppy, the characters aren’t very well written or likable, and the attempts at comedy fall flat on its face.  How this movie is critically acclaimed is a bit beyond me.  It was only 85 minutes, but it sure felt longer.  I feel bad for hating this movie, because I think Greta Gerwig is talented, but this was just indie, hipster garbage.  I expected much more from Baumbach, like compelling characters, a well structured story, and smart dialogue.  I got none of that here.

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9. WHEN COMEDY WENT TO SCHOOL – This may possibly one of the most poorly made documentaries I’ve ever seen.  It’s about a certain time during the Golden Age of Comedy, so this should have been fascinating, but it’s just not put together very well at all.  The lighting looks like bad public television, and the musical score sounds straight out of one of those bad educational documentaries they used to show in middle school.  There is nothing insightful or even mildly amusing in this disappointing Doc.

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8. MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES – Many people thought that nothing could get worse than the TWILIGHT franchise.  Well, may I introduce to you MORTAL INSTRUMENTS?  Cause THIS IS WORSE!  The plot is severely convoluted, the acting abysmal, the dialogue laughable, and the filmmaking slapdash.  I was embarrassed for everyone involved.  This movie gives teenage fantasy films a bad name, because they can be good (like the much underrated BEAUTIFUL CREATURES).  But this one is the pits.

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7. THE HANGOVER PART III – It’s true that I’ve never really liked this series.  Nope, not even the first one.  But the franchise reached an all time low with this lazy, lazy, lazy excuse for a sequel.  Everyone seems to be going through the motions here.  The plot isn’t even funny.  It’s more of a thriller and serious, but it’s neither thrilling or compelling.  And if it’s trying to be a comedy, where are the jokes?  Oh yeah, and to make things worse, the “stab-me-in-the-fucking-eyeball-she’s-so-annoying-” comedic actress Melissa McCarthy makes an extended cameo.  Not only is it nauseating, it’s also unfunny…. just like the whole film.  Oh yeah, and Ken Jeong can suck it!

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6. A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD – This movie just made me mad.  They took whatever made the original DIE HARD the best action film ever made, and threw all those ingredients out the window.  So that means no attempts at character development, boring villains, lazy writing, generic action scenes that will put you to sleep, and Bruce Willis playing a character that doesn’t act anything like John MacLaine.  How could the filmmakers be so off the mark?!?  This was an insult to the DIE HARD franchise.  Yes, it’s even worse than the PG13 LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD, and that’s no easy task.

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5. THE INTERNSHIP – Remember when Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor tried to recapture the magic of SILVER STREAK and STIR CRAZY when they made the nearly unwatchable 1991 flop ANOTHER YOU?  Well, that’s exactly what this movie is like.  Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn trying to recapture the magic of WEDDING CRASHERS. The script is outdated (it felt like that this should have been released 10 years ago), the jokes are non-existent, and it’s just plain boring.  And it’s almost 2 fucking hours long!!!!  A chore to sit through.

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4. GROWN UPS 2 – This film did something I thought impossible, and that was to be worse than the first GROWN UPS.  Sandler and company don’t even appear to be trying here.  In fact, they kind of seem to be trying to be intentionally bad.  There’s no way the actors and filmmakers can make a film this bad by accident.  They had to make it bad on purpose.  They just HAD to.  I refuse to believe that anyone involved actually thought that they were actually making a good movie.  Sandler, I know you can make good movies again.  So DO IT!

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3. PARKER – This Jason Statham movie is generic, boring, and poorly paced.  THEN Jennifer Lopez shows up, so she can GIGLI up the whole movie.  Her character felt completely pointless to me.  There’s not really any action, and the plot is trying so hard to be intriguing by adding twists to the story, but it fails.  And poor Nick Nolte is stranded in the film with nothing to do.  This film can be summed up in one word:  Tired.

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2. WALKING WITH DINOSAURS – Wow.  This was a piece of shit.  I was kind of shocked with how bad this actually was.  The animation looks kind of neat, but none of that matters because the filmmakers decided to have actors put voices to the dinosaurs non-moving mouths.  That’s not a deal breaker, but by filling the flick wall-to-wall with annoying characters and countless poop jokes is.  This should have been a fun and educational film about dinosaurs.  Instead, it’s like an Adam Sandler version of THE LAND BEFORE TIME.  I hated this fucking film! …..and so did my 10-year-old.

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1. MUSEUM HOURS – And just when you thought that I only pick on big studio films, I present you with the worst film of 2013.  A small indie, foreign film.  It’s about an old museum guard who befriends an old lady visiting the museum.  They have meaningless conversations that started to put me to sleep, and….. and that’s all they do I guess.  The film looks like it was shot on a video camera from 1994, and nothing is framed even halfway decent.  It’s like a guy who worked at a museum found a video camera in the trash and decided to ask 2 strangers on the side of the road if they wanted to make an art film with him.  This movie is what gives pretentious indie art films a bad name.  This could honestly be one of the most boring films I have ever seen.  It has been getting decent reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, so maybe I’m talking out of my ass.  But to be honest, my initial reaction to this movie was not good.  In fact, this was the most painful film I saw in 2013.  I can’t think of one redeeming thing about this movie.  Avoid this like the plague, unless you like having your teeth pulled without Novocaine.

And that’s going to do it.

Coming up later in the week will be my top 10 films of 2013!

Stay tuned!



Categories: Austin Kennedy, Movie News, Special Reports and Rants

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