Jesse (finally) Presents His STINKERS OF 2012!!!

20121025_TheLoneliestPlanet-blog

Yeah, yeah, I know. It’s darn near February. If only you knew the trouble we at Film Geek Central go through to keep you people entertained! Sadly, my time has to be split between a full-time day job, watching and reviewing current movies, watching and reviewing 1985 movies for the podcast (click here to have your mind blown), keeping in shape and spending time with my beautiful fiancee. Yes, I’m afraid the days are much too short here on planet Earth for me to get everything done I wish to accomplish (so a BIG kudos to Scott for keeping up on his Film Journals day after day — holy shit!). Anyway, as you wait to hear the top films I watched in the year 2012, let’s briefly light a candle for the stinkers I truly hope I never cross paths with ever, EVER again!

So first, let’s begin with a couple of dishonorable mentions. I know, I know. Feels like a cheat, right? This is supposed to be a BOTTOM 10, not 15. Well, get over it! It’s my list! And I need you to avoid any and all bad movies, so be sure to save your money when it comes to these five duds as well:

SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD — The world couldn’t have ended fast enough to save me from this utterly maudlin “comedy” that plays like a cross between Steve Carell’s “Dan in Real Life” and “Miracle Mile.”

GONE — A bad Amanda Seyfried thriller that kept getting worse … and worse … and worse as the screws of the plot began to twist. Bonus badness: Wes Bentley plays an investigator who keeps hitting on Seyfried in her moments of woe.

THE LONELIEST PLANET — Blatantly pretentious drama about three people who wander the lush Eastern European countryside for a couple of days. And you’ll swear up and down they filmed the movie in real-time.

SILENT HOUSE — This one actually may have been filmed in real time, since the whole movie appears to be one long, unbroken shot in which Elizabeth Olson investigates a spooky house. This one sucked because the payoff was a cheat.

CHERNOBYL DIARIES — I think a trip to Chernobyl sounds a lot more fun than watching people get chased by zombie mental patients in Chernobyl. Alas, that is the hell we are put through in this tedious chiller.

AND NOW…. THE LOWEST OF THE LOW

casa10. CASA DE MI PADRE — Will Ferrell’s Spanish-language Western was a pieza colosal de mierda.

 

 

wrath9. WRATH OF THE TITANS — Dimwitted sequel to an already dimwitted movie.

 

 

alex c8. ALEX CROSS — Easily the funniest movie of the year! Except it was supposed to be a thriller.

 

 

Ghost-Rider_Spirit-of-Vengeance7. GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE — Nicolas Cage continues to underwhelm audiences with movies that are miles beneath his talent. Either that or bad movies are just a whole lot of fun to create.

 

Anna-karenina6. ANNA KARENINA — If I were a lesser man, I’d recommend theaters showing it as a great place to take a nap.

 

 

underworld5. UNDERWORLD AWAKENING — “Hey, let’s have Scott Speedman’s character come back but we won’t have to pay him because we’ll make him a CGI effect like everyone else in the movie! Seriously, who’s gonna notice?” Everyone.

 

man with the4. THE MAN WITH THE IRON FISTS — In this one, I became “The Man Who Kept Checking His Watch.”

 

cosmopolis3. COSMOPOLIS — Deadly dull and pretentious-as-fuck snoozer featuring Robert Pattinson and a whole ton of indecipherable dialogue between actors who REALLY must have wanted to work with David Cronenberg.

 

Silent Hill Revelation 3D2. SILENT HILL: REVELATION — I put this special effects-laden chiller off until the very last minute. I should have put it off longer.

 

 

cold light1. THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY — If Henry Cavill wants to make an impression with audiences before playing Superman in next summer’s “Man of Steel,” he needs to make movies that don’t insult audiences’ intelligence like this giant turd. Even more shocking: The movie co-starred Bruce Willis and Sigourney Weaver.

 

So there you have it. 15 movies you truly need to avoid. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

And, for the record, EIGHT of these 15 movies were NOT screened for critics in advance. That means even the studios knew these things were awful and they STILL put them out. I guess there’s no accounting for taste when there’s a buck to be made.



Categories: Jesse Hoheisel, Special Reports and Rants

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