Austin’s Worst Films of 2012!!!

Being a film critic is a blessing!  I get to see tons of movies every year for free and early.  However, there is a flip side to this coin.  I also get exposed to lots of crap!  And some I even pay for since a lot of these bad movies aren’t screened for critics.

I was pretty busy last year.  I have been doing stand-up and roller derby besides writing reviews, so unfortunately, I didn’t get to see everything.  With that said, this won’t be a 100% accurate worst list of the year.  Why?  Because there are some potential bad films I didn’t get a chance to see, including:

THE DEVIL INSIDE, ONE FOR THE MONEY, GONE, A THOUSAND WORDS, TIM & ERIC’S BILLION DOLLAR MOVIE, MONUMENTAL, WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING, MADEA’S WITNESS PROTECTION, THE WATCH, THE APPARITION, HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET, HERE COMES THE BOOM, ATLAS SHRUGGED PART 2, THE PAPERBOY, ALEX CROSS, PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4, SILENT HILL: REVELATION, THE COLLECTION, PLAYING FOR KEEPS, PARENTAL GUIDANCE, STOLEN and THE COLD LIGHT OF DAY.  None of those films will be on my worst list, though if I saw them all, I have the inkling that at least a few of them would have made it.

Before I get to my worst list, I would like to mention some films that disappointed me this year.  Movies that were acclaimed by many.  So here is my list of OVERRATED films of 2012:

THE BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL, ZERO DARK THIRTY, GOON, FLIGHT, THE BOURNE LEGACY, THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN, THE MASTER, LINCOLN, THE HUNGER GAMES, HOLY MOTORS, THE BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD, KILLING THEM SOFTLY and AMOUR.

And finally, before I get to my worst list.  Here are my runner-ups.  These were truly awful films, but shockingly, there were actually 10 movies worse than these:

THE GUILT TRIP, HYDE PARK ON HUDSON, JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND, LOCKOUT, THE LUCKY ONE, THE THEATER BIZARRE, THIS MEANS WAR, THE THREE STOOGES, V/H/S, and WANDERLUST.

Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  The 10 worst films that I had the displeasure of sitting through during 2012!  Yuck!  Here they are:

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10. CONTRABAND – A generic heist film with dull characters and filmed with some of the most nauseating, shaky camerawork since EAGLE EYE.

 

2012, THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING 2

9. BREAKING DAWN PART 2 – You know I had to include it.  These films stand for everything I hate about Hollywood.  They find something popular, and just start churning them out.  They’re not concerned with making an actual “good” movie, just a movie that will make a shit ton of money.  This last entry is horribly acted, features abysmal visual effects and has one of the most unnecessary action films of the year that is completely out of character with the series.  So glad this shit is done!

 

This Is 40

8. THIS IS 40 – Just looking at this pic above makes me groan!  This didn’t even seem like a movie.  Just a bunch of Apatow’s friends getting together and improvising for 2hrs and 13 minutes!!!  It’s unfunny and the characters are extremely unlikable as they screech at each other for the entire running time.  This one was hard to sit through.

 

Project X

7. PROJECT X – Speaking of unlikable characters, you really can’t get any more unlikable than these group of teen douchebags trying to get laid at a huge party.  To make it even worse, it’s shot in that overused “found footage” format, which didn’t make any fucking sense.

 

Wrath-of-the-Titans-TV-SPOT-4-2012-HD

6. WRATH OF THE TITANS – While I didn’t care for the remake, it was light years better than this ugly mess of a film.  It looks terrible.  The effects are awful, the acting is non-existent and the editing was so rapid that I almost had a seizure.

 

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5. THUNDERSTRUCK – You can’t get any more generic than this late 80’s style comedy.  In fact, this didn’t feel like one of those 80’s comedies, but those early 90’s rip-offs of those mediocre 80’s films.  A basketball player switches powers with a teenage boy????  Wow, what a great idea……….. back in 1988….. no wait…… it wasn’t a good idea for back then either.

 

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4. ANY DAY NOW – Alan Cumming tries so fucking hard to give an Oscar worthy performance that it becomes nearly laughable.  A gay couple try to get custody of a mentally retarded teenager in the 1970’s.  I’m sure there’s an important message to be conveyed, but not in this overwrought, cartoony debacle.

 

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3. JOYFUL NOISE – Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton…. finally!  Ever since 1989 I wanted to see these 2 acting titans in a movie together!  ……… no…… not really.  In fact, I never want to see either of these 2 actors in a movie again…………. EVER!!!

 

APphoto_Film Review The Man with the Iron Fists

2. THE MAN WITH THE IRON FISTS – I really really really really really wanted to like this movie.  It was even on my most anticipated list of 2012 films at the beginning of last year.  The potential is all there for a kick ass movie.  Unfortunately, RZA can’t direct his way out of a paper bag.  And when he’s the best performer in the film featuring Lucy Liu and Russell Crowe, you know the movie has serious problems.  Not one shot matches the next, making the fight scenes unwatchable.  And in a “Kung Fu” movie, that poses a problem.

 

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1. KEEP THE LIGHTS ON – I don’t get any pleasure picking on the little guy.  As a struggling independent filmmaker myself, I am always rooting for small productions to succeed.  But it’s not always Hollywood that makes shite.  Sometimes it is the pretentious independent filmmaker.  This movie about a gay couple is so unintentionally hilarious that this could almost be the next THE ROOM.  The performance by Thure Lindhardt is almost as bad as Tommy Wiseau’s legendary turn in that film.  It’s approach to homosexuality and drug use almost seems like a joke.  Nothing about this movie hits a genuine chord.  It feels like a student film…. and that student would be getting a big fat F from me!  I don’t think I could sit through this one ever again!

 

And that’s it for now.  Stay tuned for my TOP 10 films of 2012, which should be up sometime next week.



Categories: Austin Kennedy, Special Reports and Rants

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1 reply

  1. My thoughts exactly. Can’t believe I sat through it even once! Did Thure have a benefactor to ensure his mug was in every shot?

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